Holiday Newsflash: Michael Bublé is Mel Tormé

Yep, folks, this revelation hit me like a ton of bricks.  While I blissfully thought (for years) that Michael Bublé was simply a chip off the much, much older Harry Connick Jr.'s block (Jr.'s 44, Bublé's 36), a one-time glimpse and whisper of another jazz singer on Pandora, today, unearthed the truth that ¡Bublé's actually a wax reproduction of The Velvet Frog, Mel Tormé!  Behold.  (I will divulge the nitty-gritty details, later.)

Bublé and Tormé: 

Too Close for Comfort

And for you skeptics, you so-called "intellectuals," who think even seeing is insufficient for believing, sink your teeth into this nugget of solid gold FACT:  Both guys sing jazz and have French-sounding last names that end in "é."  Faaaaact.  Are you kidding me?  What are the chances?  My exceptional training in the statistical law of large numbers tells me the p-value (random chance or mere coincidence) in this French connection is too striking to ignore or simply dismiss, offhand.  (For all you egg heads, all I'm trying to say is the connection's "statistically significant," all right?  Now that I've mouthed the magic academic words, can we please move on?  Thank you.)

And for all you stingy audiophiles who unrelentingly insist that the proof is in the production, listen to this:

Click the image for Tormé's rendition of Too Close for Comfort

Setting aside the corniness of the razor joke, how can anyone who has ever seriously listened to Bublé tell me anything other than he kidnapped The Velvet Frog, locked him up in his, The Frog's, own seven-lock trunk, regularly cut off locks of his hair, and drank polyjuice potion on the hour, every hour, until he finally assumed Tormé's appearance and vocal structure?  How do you like 'dem kippers!?!

Polyjuice potion is, of course, banned among jazz singers, and no doubt the F-Word (master of conspiracy theories and illicit mixtures) will want to investigate these claims.  In the meantime, Bublé's well-wishers must hope that, next time, he bestows his avarice on a dude with a less awkward nickname (seriously, The Velvet Frog?).

Disclaimer:  Yes, I realize having a two song comparison of the same song (Too Close for Comfort) would have been much cooler than expecting readers to actually use their imagination and comparative sound skills.  On the other hand, some guy whose last name ends with é apparently felt that would have been too close for comfort . . .  Oh, and this is NOT a legal advertisement.  Please consult a licensed abogado for that sort of thing.