I feel unable to go into much depth here, so I will briefly share and paraphrase three tips that have helped me tremendously:
1. Overcome the "tyranny of the shoulds." When we use the word "should" on ourselves, we feel guilty, when we use it on other people, they get defensive and angry. Instead, try using "I want to," when talking to or about yourself, and use the same phrase or something like "I suggest," "I encourage," or "I invite you" to . . . when talking with someone else. I feel confident that eliminating the shoulds from your vocabulary will decrease guilt and help you overcome conflict.
2. Replace the "yeah-buts" with "and," or "on the other hand." Often, when we have a heated conversation with someone, we pretend to be listening and we say, "Yeah, yeah, BUT" . . . And then we proceed to spill out the retort we've been rehearsing while the other person was blabbering. Additionally, we often compliment people by saying, "I think you did this great, BUT" . . . And then we proceed to tell the person everything he's done wrong. In short, replace but with "and," and replace "yeah, but" with "on the other hand." Both demonstrate understanding and help reduce conflict because they demonstrate our acceptance of one option, while calmly presenting another.

I strongly encourage you to look into this 4-set of audio recordings for a multitude of other enormously helpful suggestions, which I feel incapable of succinctly describing here, such as effective listening (which is HUGE, just ask my wife).
2 comments:
You should listen to these more, but I don't think that you should stop talking to me. You should always to everything perfect. We don't accept imperfection in our family.
x-(
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