Monday, April 13, 2009

The Lord of the Wedding Ring

Maybe you didn't know this unless you sit on my left at work or listen to my incessant ramblings regularly, but I was without wedding ring in the world since late November.

It began with the forging of the two great rings. One was given to the Wife, immortal, wisest and fairest of all beings. And one, one ring was gifted to the Husband, who above all else, desires power. For within these rings was bound the strength and will to govern the pair's offspring.

But they were both of them deceived, for another ring was made. In the land of Mordor, in the fires of Mount Doom, the Dark Lord C.A. forged in secret a master ring, to control all others.

And into this Wedding Ring, he poured his cruelty, his malice, and his will to dominate all life. "One Wedding Ring to rule them all. One Wedding Ring with which he would get gain."

One by one, the free lands of Middle-earth fell to the power of the Wedding Ring. But there were some who resisted. A last alliance of Men and Elves marched against the armies of Mordor, and on the slopes of Mount Salt Lake Airport they fought for the freedom of Middle-earth.

Victory was near. But the power of the Wedding Ring could not be undone.

It was in this moment, when all hope had faded, that paper towel, son of the King, took up his father's sword.

The C.A., the enemy of the free-peoples of Middle-earth, was defeated. The Wedding Ring passed to the trash can, who had this one chance to destroy evil forever. But the hearts of Men are easily corrupted. And the Wedding Ring of Power has a will of its own.

It betrayed the trash can to his death. And some things that should not have been forgotten were lost.

History became legend, legend became myth, and for two and a half thousand years, the Wedding Ring passed out of all knowledge. Until, when chance came, the memory of it ensnared a new bearer.

A yearning for the Wedding Ring came to the C.A.'s wife, who took her yearning deep into the tunnels of the Misty Mountains. And there, it consumed her.

The memory of the Wedding Ring brought to the C.A.'s wife unnatural long life. For five hundred years its absence poisoned her mind. And in the gloom of the C.A.'s jeweler's responsibility, it waited. Darkness crept back into the forest of the world. Rumor grew of a shadow in the east, whispers of a nameless fear, and the Wedding Ring of Power perceived its time had now come. It abandoned the C.A.'s wife.

But something happened then the Wedding Ring did not intend. It was picked up by the most unlikely creature imaginable: the C.A. himself!

But the C.A.'s wife was not impressed with the Wedding Ring of Power, for it's maker had taken over two and a half thousand years to reproduce it, and had, this time, made it a width or two too small.

The C.A. was content to love the Wedding Ring with all of his heart (as he finally got it back) and sought to keep it for himself. But the C.A.'s wife was enraged and would not receive the Wedding Ring for the tardiness of its maker and his abundant lack of communication.

Terrified and amazed at the fury of the C.A.'s wife, the maker of the Wedding Ring of Power cowered and offered to give the C.A. the Wedding Ring for free but the C.A.'s wife would not listen and stormed out of the room.

Convinced of his regained ability to rule the whole of Middle-earth, the C.A. took things in stride and strode out the door with the Wedding Ring of Power firmly on his finger, free of charge and ready to rule all of Middle-earth.

Such is the story of how we finally got my new wedding ring!

3 comments:

Fletch said...

That may be the longest version ever of "I replaced my wedding ring."

Cougar Abogado said...

Well, F-Word, did you pick up on the value and the substance of the epic?

Steph said...

HAHAHA that was awesome. I'm glad to hear you have a ring on your finger, and for free no less! It's too bad though that it poisoned Christy's mind for thousands of years before the problem could be rectified, but those are the breaks I guess :)