(Proverb) Cookies?

(This is a post the F-word will eat up.)
Whatever happened to getting a "fortune" (prediction) in a "fortune cookie"?

Christy bought some fortune cookies from Kroger for a women's night last night, and these are a few of the fortunes pulled out:

What the rainbow?

These are not fortunes, people, they're proverbs!  As a matter of fact, the third proverb was coined by a former coworker of mine (or was that Gandhi?).

Give me back my authentic Chinese experience as it was meant to be:  random predictions that are outrageously humorous.  E.g., "You will find great riches, soon" or "You will soon gain much weight."

Ah, well.  At least we can pretend all the rubbish Chinese spam I get in the comments section is burgeoning with fantastical predictions.  (Just don't click on any of them if you ever see one before I delete it "forever.")

Update:  Two more cookies.  a) Mine - "Turn your scars into stars" and b) Wife's - "Your friends love both sides of your temperament."  I guess I need to change this whole fortune cookie discontent into fortune cookie lemonade . . .